How to be in an unknown band.

By Rob

 

People have asked me how I managed to be in a band that makes decent music, has released several recordings but still remains a secret in the music business.  I decided it was time to release this information to the rockers of the future to help them on their journey toward obscurity.  These helpful hints guarantee that you will remain a relative unknown for years---even in your own city. 

 

1 -  Don’t tour.  Bands that tour are seen.  If you are a good band and people see you, you will be remembered.  It is best to be forgotten.  If your band sucks, ignore this rule cause it wont matter.  People will forget you anyway, or just remember that you suck.

 

2 -  Make sure the members of your band are as unattractive as possible.  Weight gain is a must.  The aging process does its part.  And by no means have an attractive girl or girls in your band.  Guys like to look at girls, and if they have any talent at all they will be remembered.  Girls like to watch other girls in bands, and will remember chicks who make them want to change their sexual preference.  This could lead to rampant popularity and must be avoided.

 

3 – Don’t sell merchandise.  T-shirts bearing your band’s name with a hip and trendy logo are incredible marketing devices, especially when worn on the chest of a female person.  Do not let this happen to your band.  Selling CDs is also bad for your band if you put out good music.  As with rule number one, if your band’s music sucks, sell all the CDs you want.  It wont make you popular.

 

4 – Play benefit shows.  Benefit shows are used by musicians to express their political and cultural beliefs, which translates into parroting the political and cultural beliefs of others.  Musician politics are dictated and heavily enforced.  If you are unsure as to what your political beliefs should be, watch the appropriate amounts of MTV and research the quotes of the top minds in music such as Michael Stipe.  Once you are sure of what you shouldn’t say---say it.  I recommend quips between songs such as “ Hey, my guitar used to be a tree”, or “That bunny got what it deserved”, or my all-time favorite--- “Hiccups are for gays”.

 

 I know what you’re thinking.   This sort of behavior will burn a brand into the minds of the audience who will never forget or forgive such a slight, or the band member who uttered it.  On the contrary, though the audience may remember, the media covering the event will quietly place your name on the list of bands that will never make the cover of Rolling Stone, and never have a video on MTV or VH1.  You see, music press is a popularity contest with little if any regard for music.  Once you become unpopular with the national music press, you will never become a known band, even if your music sounds like God come to Earth for a pig pickin.  As a side note: If you play a benefit for a cause you truly believe in, don’t be depressed if the people on your side of the issue turn out to be repulsive in some way---it happens.

 

5 – Don’t write new music.  Just play your old stuff.  It sounds great, and if it was good enough for their moms and dads, it’s good enough for them.

 

6 – Don’t rap.  Rap is very popular.  Even the slightest bit of rap in the middle of, say, a Polka increases the chance of its radio airplay.  All rules that didn’t apply to bands that suck, apply to rap bands.  You can suck musically as much as you want in rap and still become incredibly popular.

 

7 -  Don’t release a video.  Whether your music is genius or crap, video is the great equalizer.  It doesn’t matter what your song is about, if your video is about scantily clad girls with hard round bottoms, you will become popular.  On a scale of human satisfiers, music is about a three, and sex is about a hundred and three.  Sex = popularity. This is almost a moot point, as the larger record labels are the only ones who can afford the cost of a modern video worthy of MTV and VH1 play.  They wont shell out the money unless you already fit into the popularity template they sell as product. At this point the content of your music is meaningless.  The label will give the project over to an ex porn director who will make the message about the plight of the poor but honest scantily clad girl with a hard, round bottom.

 

8 -  Start a website.  It gives you something to do, but makes zero impact on your popularity.

 

9 – Only play live where you are the least repected.  Your own home town or region is the best place to play.  Had the Beatles stayed in Liverpool, they would have been remembered by their neighbors as “that local band with the funny hair”.  You know you have achieved your goal when you hear someone say. “I’m not staying for this local band.  I can see them anytime.  I’m going to the club next door.  Their band is from Utah---they must be hot.”

 

As with all rules, there are exceptions.  Steely Dan for instance---what’s that all about. 

 

 

 

 

 

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