The Ultimatics, are gone - which is not only depressing on the level of "I can't go see them anymore", but also because they WERE a reason for going out. I'm not sure that I ever had a bad time at one of their shows. Their fans were cool, they were cool, and in fact, I believe that they made whatever place they were playing at seem cool. When I would wear an Ultimatics shirt to school or work or whatever, I felt cool-er.

Approximately two weeks ago, I heard that another band that I was in awe of (and who had also broken up) was getting back together-The Science Fiction Idols. They were one of those bands that NOBODY could ever say sucked. They were the walking art of rock n' roll. Bobby LaMonde (their frontman), himself in fact, was someone I always had deemed as some kind of superior individual.

Now, I understand dear readers how much of a sycophant I must sound like right now, and it hard for me to describe just how good this band is without coming a crossed as a dork, so the only thing I can do is try to describe them as only the dorkiest dork could.

Since this is a southern-based magazine, some of this may sound familiar from school field trips, or local lore but if this starts getting bleary, look the names up on your favorite search engine or go rent the movie "The Patriot" (even though it's not exactly accurate).

I believe it was August or 1754 when our charismatic star was born, in Liverpool, England, no less. I am speaking of Banastre Tarleton, who later became known as "Bloody Ban." In 1773, my boy Ban joined up with the British army, under Lord Cornwallis. Tarleton soon took up with the Dragoon regiments and was by 1778 (he was 23) made Lieutenant Colonel.

So anyways…yeah… Tarleton was there to do his job, but this Francis Marion cat and some other folks who started their own mini-armies were giving him a bunch of shit, so Cornwallis ordered him to take his troops and get rid of them-and that he did to the best of his abilities. The nickname "Bloody Ban" (or sometimes "The Butcher") was due to the tactics he used in stopping Buford's troops in Charlotte-he simply did not tell his troops when to stop killing the enemy. So after all the poor little militia fucks were all skewered, the Continentals started spreading these rumors that he was some kind of big murderer dick-head and there goes his rep with them. Gasp! As if the Continentals would never do such a thing, they were perfect angels.

But I could go on and on all day about this, and I think you've probably had enough of my pro-George III views for now, though I'll be glad to discuss it further if you want to email me. If you have ever watched The Patriot, the character of William Tavington (Jason Isaacs), who is a rip-off of Banastre, is portrayed as an uptight asshole. Cute, but an asshole. In truth, Tarleton was sort of a hipster or a teen idol of sorts, and an awful lot more people liked him, than hated him.

He partied a lot from my understanding, and often was said to have uhh… "lain with more woman than anybody." And a good many of his male contemporaries referred to him as genteel, charming and handsome. Even Thomas Jefferson later became his friend, commenting and his grace and elegance. He was truly a well-liked and admired man.

I'm not saying that Bobby LaMonde is a swell horse-trainer or swordsman. Hell, he probably doesn't even know how to fire a gun. But he has his weapons of choice-his voice and his guitar. Instead of a regiment of Green Dragoons, he has the well-trained soldiers of The Science Fiction Idols. He IS an expert tactician, and The Sci-Fi Idols, which are proof of this, do perform, once again, brutal assaults, quite along the same time-line as my hero Tarleton.

One difference, I suppose is the fact that while Banastre tended to be overly friendly with the ladies, Bobby is more the kind of guy you would think that way of, if you didn't know him. However, the comments about Tarleton's grace and genteel nature echoes throughout every room that LaMonde has ever entered. In addition, I suppose that cruelest words I've ever heard spoken of LaMonde were simply that "that damned CD is addictive" or "why don't those fuckheads play more!"

If none of that is enough to convince then let me just say that both Bobby and Banastre are both extremely well dressed men, with great hair and very similar faces and body types.

In 1780, the saying was "Tarleton's Quarters!" which was kind of a way of saying, "take no prisoners." In 2002, I would amend that to "LaMonde's Quarters!" Moreover, I would shout it in every club across the world if I could, as Bobby held siege over the rock n' roll world.

This is not the opinion of someone who has gotten to know Bobby or pure groupie sentiment, for I, as I have stated, more commonly fear that man. But several years ago, in a bar called The Next Decade, I signed the ledger and enlisted into his service, after I realized that this man just very well might help us win the war.

You know, in afterthought of writing this, I suppose I may come across as being an Anti-American bastard, but the truth of the matter is that this is that I am not, at least no more so than the average Joe. That’s what we as Americans have always been good for – taking those wacky freedoms (such as “of the press”) and throwing them right back in the ol’ Founding Father’s faces…fuck they did it themselves. And Christ almighty, it’s not like nowadays you can’t throw a stone and hit some little political-punk brat with a backpack full of zines that says why god, the government and his parents suck. However, having said all this, I still am standing by my loyal to the royal views.

Please keep in mind that poor Bobby has nothing to do with my opinions per say, so if you do/did hate Banastre, don’t take it out on the Sci-Fi Idols (even though Bobby thinks it would be really cool to get one of those jackets and wear a powdered wig…you gotta admit, it IS very glam rock of him). Poor guy… he’s yet to even have seen a picture of his 18th Century doppelganger and I promised both he & his girlfriend I would take them the Banastre Tarleton picture this weekend. As for Mr. Angelo (Sci-Fi’s drummer) he simply asked me if I was smoking crack when I wrote this. Well, no, but it couldn’t have hurt I suppose.

If you’re interested in checking out The Science Fiction Idols, The Ultimatics, The Cheats (formerly The No Goods), The Huckle Bucks or Pig Iron please feel free to contact me. I’m not a distribution center, but I don’t believe that you’ll be able to order anything from these bands online, and so the least I can do for these guys is put you in contact with either them or go out and buy the album from them and mail it to ya. However, Bobby and some other Pittsburgh rock stars were formerly members of Trash Vegas, who kicked ass as well, and you can get their stuff from GET HIP RECORDS (www.gethip.com) .